How to Apologize 2

Why should I verbally apologize to the person I have offended if they can clearly see I'm sorry. I mean, I've bought you your favourite chocolate, a nice meal and some really expensive shoes, shouldn't that prove I am sorry. What more do you want?

This is what most of us do when we've hurt someone. Saying " I am sorry" to someone you've offended is not easy, it means you are making a commitment to not hurt them again. Apologizing can help you to act better in the future, maintain your self-respect, and restore your integrity in the eyes of others.

What happens if you don't apologize for your mistakes? Well, you could damage your relationships, harm your reputation, and even limit your career opportunities. After all, no one wants to work with someone who can't take responsibility for their own actions.

If you're a manager or team leader refusing to apologize also negatively affects your team and sets a bad example. The resulting animosity, tension and pain can create a toxic work environment.

Psychologists Steven Scher and John Darley present a four-step framework that you can use to apologize.

1. Express Remorse for a Mistake: Every apology should start with two magic words: "I'm sorry," or "I apologize." Your words need to be sincere and authentic. Be honest with yourself, and with the other person, about why you want to apologize. Never make an apology when you have ulterior motives, or if you see it as a means to an end.

2. Admit Responsibility: When apologizing, it's tempting to explain your actions. But these can be perceived as excuses and shifting blame. For example: "I'm sorry that I snapped at you when you came into my office yesterday. I had a lot on my plate." In this case, you excuse your behavior because of stress, and you imply that the other person was at fault because they bothered you on a busy day.

3. Make Amends: When you make amends, you take action to make the situation right. Here are two examples:

• "If there's anything that I can do to make this up to you, please just ask."

• "I realize that I was wrong to doubt your ability to chair our staff meeting. I'd like you to lead the team through tomorrow's meeting to demonstrate your skills."

Think carefully about this step. Token gestures or empty promises will do more harm than good. Because you feel guilty, you might also be tempted to give more than what's appropriate – so be proportionate in what you offer.

4. Promise That It Won't Happen Again: Finally, reassure the other person that you're going to change your behavior. This is vital for rebuilding trust and repairing the relationship. You could say, "From now on, I'm going to manage my stress better, so that I don't snap at you and the rest of the team. And, I want you to call me out if I do this again." Make sure that you honor this commitment to prove your trustworthiness and accountability.

Your apology may not be accepted right away, but you'll likely feel relieved that you've done the right thing and tried to make amends for your mistake.

Have a great weekend folks!

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