That’s Not My Love Language

The concept from The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman is meant to help couples understand each other better. But sometimes people turn it into an excuse instead of a tool. Now imagine a typical situation. A partner says, “I need more emotional support. At least say something encouraging sometimes.” Then the other person replies, “Oh, but my love language is acts of service, not words of affirmation.” In theory, that sounds logical. In practice, it can become a shortcut to avoid effort.

In our culture, we already struggle with direct emotional communication. So if someone hides behind “love language", it can make things worse. Instead of learning new ways to show care, the person may just stick to what is comfortable for them. For example someone who doesn’t like verbal affection may refuse to say loving words and someone who dislikes spending time talking may say, “But I buy you things, that’s my love language.” Meanwhile, the other partner may feel unheard or neglected. Healthy relationships require flexibility. Even if words of affirmation are not natural to you, saying “I appreciate you” once in a while is not that hard. Love languages should encourage people to expand their ways of showing love, not restrict them. Think of it like food. If your partner likes jollof and you prefer fufu, sometimes you still cook the jollof because you care. You don’t just say, “Sorry, my food language is fufu.”

Another criticism people raise about the love languages framework from The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman is that it can unintentionally create imbalance in relationships. Sometimes, one partner ends up doing most of the adjusting while the other remains comfortable with their usual habits. The issue here is not necessarily the idea of love languages itself, but rather how people apply it in practice. Ideally, the framework should work both ways. Both partners should be asking important questions such as, What makes you feel loved? And how can I show up for you better? When only one person is constantly adapting while the other makes little effort to adjust, the relationship can begin to feel one-sided.

Ultimately, the main takeaway is that the idea behind The Five Love Languages is not necessarily negative. It can help couples notice important aspects of affection they may have overlooked before. However, love languages should encourage growth and flexibility rather than limit effort. When someone says, “That’s not my love language,” the healthier response should be, “It may not come naturally to me, but I can still try because you matter to me.”

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