How to have healthier arguments

It may sound counterintuitive, but a happy relationship isn’t necessarily one that’s totally conflict-free. In healthy relationships, both the romantic kind and platonic connections with friends or family members, we should approach conflict as a catalyst for positive change, rather than something to avoid.

Our public conversations are in a state of crisis, they are stuck. It's people fully convinced of their views, shouting at each other from a distance. One of the reasons this is so is because the skills of good argument have been decaying for some time. We no longer view argument as something to be worked at, rather we see it as something we jump into out of instinct or defensiveness. This usually results in bad arguments that decreases our confidence in what disagreements can do for us, so the quality of the conversation further degrades. We need to restore confidence and faith in what disagreements can be and to highlight its potential as a source for good as well as a source for evil.

If intelligence is the ability to respond to any argument, wisdom lies in knowing which arguments to respond to, and which parts of an argument to respond to. Arguments are easy to start and difficult to end because there are any number of differences between two people and unless what we are arguing about is clearly defined, all the differences we have can start flooding in and we will not make progress at all.

One framework to help is the RISA FRAMEWORK developed by Bo Seo, a two-time world champion debator. This framework will help you pick your fights more wisely. Before launching into a disagreement or challenging a claim, ask four things:

1. Real: Whether the disagreement is in fact real, as opposed to a misunderstanding. Sometimes, what we are arguing about is only because you did not understand a certain phrase I used. We could be saying the same things and still be arguing simply because of a little bit of misunderstanding that will take a few minutes to clear up if only we listen actively.

2. Important: The second is to ask if it is important enough to you to justify the disagreement. How important is clarifying your point of the disagreement to you and what you stand for as an individual?. Are you in the argument just for the sake of it, or is it something that you have to address because it goes against who are you, your values and principles. Can we make progress even if we disagree?

3. Specific: The third is to ask whether the topic of disagreement is specific enough in order for you to make some progress. What are we actually arguing about?. Clearly define the one thing you do not agree on and listen to each other's opinion on that. As much as possible, stay on track with the main point of the disagreement without bringing other things you might disagree on into the argument.

4. Alignment: And finally, ask whether you and the other person engaged in the disagreement are aligned in your objectives for wanting to take part in the conversation. What this means is that, both parties in the argument must agree on what the argument is for. If one side is just arguing to show off and belittle the other, this turns the conversation into a competition. The main objective of an argument is to persuade someone, and not to intimidate and bully.

With these four in mind, it's not a guarantee that the conversation is going to go well, but you have given it a chance of teaching you something. I think it all comes down to alignment. It is really difficult to know other people's reason for engaging in an argument. If we have two people who are in an argument to hurt each other's feelings, this is an alignment alright, but not the kind that leads to productive conversations.

When we agree that the conversation is not to show off and intimidate, we don't even have to agree for us to make progress.

Let's keep these in mind when next we disagree with someone and be mindful of how we want the conversation to go. Share with me some techniques you use in your arguments and how they have been so far. Share this with your friends and family as well.

Enjoy an amazing weekend folks.