IT IS OUR PARENT’S FIRST TIME PARENTING TOO

Dela Kutor tells me that he cannot blame his parents for being overprotective, but their control and prevention from literally even crossing the road at a time when kids of his age were learning to ride bikes has made his life miserable. “I had an emotionally abusive narc mother and an overprotective controlling father. They never let me go to shop, never let me carry my fee money or do anything that required a little bit of common sense and courage”. He never made any real friends as his parents used to scold them off. All basic decisions in his life like hobbies, clothes, school bag, shoes, schools and even under wears were taken by his parents. And now even after his 21st birthday, Dela claims he feels like he is still stuck in his 10-year-old self with little to no sense of life outside the house.

“I am dependent, I do not fully know myself, I am only entering life now, I struggle a lot with many things regarding life because my parents did not really let me learn from it. I am not really confident and I suffer from very low self-esteem, among other things. They overprotected the heck out of me and my siblings and now we all have social anxieties, are socially awkward, and are immensely struggling while dealing with work and studies. What is worse is that after years of holding down our necks, our parents suddenly want us to be independent while still being overprotective. Is it possible they do not know that they are overly strict and kind of emotionally abusive?”

Parenting feels like walking a tightrope sometimes as you constantly wonder if you are overdoing or underdoing something. Finding a balance between over-protection and outright negligence is one of the hardest challenges a parent can face. Too much love without discipline creates adults who crave love from others but are not so adept at giving it and have a reduced respect for genuine authority. Too much discipline without love and room for mistakes creates an adult who feels they do not deserve the love that comes their way and has issues with temperament.

Resilience is not the only thing that under-develops in a child raised by an over-protective parent, the child's own self-potential abilities are also undiscovered, unrealized, and unexplored. You have to balance independence with support and teaching. Make them tie their own shoes and dress themselves as soon as they are able. Do not solve problems for them, but help them solve their own problems.

A parent should be the only one or at least the first to fully affirm a child's self-worth, femininity/masculinity and the validity of her opinions. Kids look up to this as a guidance of what is or not acceptable many years down the road. Tell your daughter she is beautiful and smart often, so that when she hears it from random guys later, she will already know her value and not cling on quick to a predatory playboy who compliments.

It is incredibly challenging to get the balance right as a parent. It is tempting to say "I wouldn't do that, I'd be an amazing parent", thinking you will make all the right decisions and your kid will turn out perfect. You cannot always protect your children all by yourself, it could be a daycare teacher, a neighbor, or a family member. You can do your best but, in the end, all you can do is be there for them. Cheers!

[Author: Mandela Sepenu]