On fault finding and fault finders

The problem with trying accurately to identify the behaviour known as fault-finding - defined as an obsessive need to focus on the flaws and shortcomings of others - is that every human appear to have a more or less endless and constantly irksome supply of flaws. However much we might wish it to be otherwise, human wrongness is the rule.

This person has a slightly irritating laugh; that one goes on too long; this one is too insecure; that one is too 'serious'; this person is a bit grandiose.

For this reason, it can take a very long time to realise that one is a fault finder. There is the fault finder who is great at discovering shortcomings in another person, and there is the fault finder who systematically and obsessively need to find everyone awful as a defence mechanism against the risks of being close with the person. This latter fault finder desires to conclude that everyone does not measure up and therefore not worth knowing. They do this to ensure they will never be hurt by anyone (again).

So long as everyone is defective and blemished, there can never be any need to build any relationships. Without a memory of a secured, properly tolerant relationship to another human being, fault finding won't just be an intellectual proclivity; it will be an emotional necessity.

What the fault-finder misses is that love doesn't involve not finding fault; it means being generous around faults. What distinguishes the fault-finder from the kindly soul isn't the number of flaws they see; its how they interpret them. And yet we should insist that the kindly soul isn't ultimately a 'better' person. They just had the good fortune of having good role models.

Let's have a great weekend folks.

[Inspiration: School of life]