What is your attachment style?

Have you ever noticed that you usually think and act in certain ways in romantic relationships? Maybe you’re a bit jealous and afraid of being alone for too long. Or perhaps you feel confident and totally trusting of your partner. One possible explanation for these patterns is attachment theory. Knowing your unique attachment style can help you become more self-aware and build healthier long-term partnerships. Changing attachment styles is possible.

Attachment styles refer to the particular way in which an individual relates to other people. The style of attachment is formed at the very beginning of life, and once established, it is a style that stays with you and plays out today in how you relate in intimate relationships and in how you parent your children.

The concept involves one’s confidence in the availability of the attachment figure for use as a secure base from which one can freely explore the world when not in distress and a safe haven from which one can seek support, protection, and comfort in times of distress.

There are three broad types of attachment styles. They are secure, avoidant and anxious. Let's talk a little bit about each of them.

1. Secure Attachment: The capacity to connect well and securely in relationships with others while also having the capacity for autonomous action as situationally appropriate. Secure attachment is characterized by trust, an adaptive response to being abandoned, and the belief that one is worthy of love. People who are securely attached appreciate their own self-worth and ability to be themselves in their relationships. They openly seek support and comfort from their partner, and are similarly happy when their partner relies on them for emotional support. As a result, people with secure attachment styles tend to navigate relationships well. They’re generally positive, trusting, and loving to their partners. They trust their partners’ intentions and jealousy is often not an issue for them. Securely attached people feel that they’re worthy of love and don’t need external reassurances.

2. Anxious Attachment: Anxious attachment (also called ambivalent) relationships are characterized by a concern that others will not reciprocate one’s desire for intimacy. This is caused when an infant learns that their caregiver or parent is unreliable and does not consistently provide responsive care towards their needs. Signs you might have an anxious attachment style include clingy tendencies, highly sensitive to criticism (real or perceived), needing approval from others, jealous tendencies, difficulty being alone, low self-esteem, feeling unworthy of love, intense fear of rejection, significant fear of abandonment and difficulty trusting others. People with anxious attachment styles usually feel unworthy of love and need constant reassurance from their partners. They often blame themselves for challenges in the relationship and can exhibit frequent and intense jealousy or distrust due to poor self-esteem.

3. Avoidant Attachment: Avoidant, dismissive-avoidant, or anxious-avoidant are all words for the same insecure attachment style. It’s defined by failures to build long-term relationships with others due to an inability to engage in physical and emotional intimacy. In childhood, you may have had strict or emotionally distant and absent caregivers. You might have an anxious-avoidant attachment style if you persistently avoid emotional or physical intimacy, feel a strong sense of independence, are uncomfortable expressing your feelings, are dismissive of others, have a hard time trusting people and struggle with commitment issues. In relationships, you may tend to navigate them at an arm’s length. The need for emotional intimacy is simply lacking in this type of individual, so romantic relationships are not able to reach any level of depth.

So what is your attachment style and how does it affect your relationships and life? Attachment styles are formed in our infancy and childhood so there is not much we can do about it. However being self-aware of it and how it influences your interactions is a big step to growth and healthy relationships. In subsequent posts, we will look at ways we can change our attachment styles when they do us no good.

Let's enjoy our weekend beautiful people!